Tuesday, March 21, 2017

The past two weeks have taken its toll on our strength and sanity. With immunotherapy treatment comes with immunotherapy side effects. I thought since we had made it a couple of months with minimal side effects, that was it.........
Pulmonary issues...steroids
Steroids.......steroid induced hyperglycemia
Steroid induced hyperglycemia.......violent side effects. Vomiting, diarrhea, rash, crankiness, forgetful, loss of appetite. He has become the new seven dwarfs. Don't judge because there are only six. We have spent two weekends in the hospital. It is exhausting for both of us both mentally and physically. Losing almost 40 pounds in three months. I am constantly in fear. I find myself watching as if he were a ticking time bomb. I freak out when someone comes around me deliberately knowing they have a contagious disease like the flu. Anything could trigger a life altering event.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Ok. I admit I am new to this and don't really know how to handle certain situations. Through the good days and the bad days, I want my husband to be comfortable and make this as easy on him as possible. I am only going through this journey emotionally and mentally. I watch, as an outsider, daily. I watch him do nothing, and by nothing, I mean absolutely NOTHING. Is he going through self doubt, having a pity party. Is this going to pass? I don't expect him to do a lot, but at the same time, I want him to get out and experience things and spend time with his family. All he wants to do is sit on the couch, take naps, and work. He has a cushy desk job and only travels to the office twice a week. He very rarely leaves the house. I don't know if he is afraid he is going to push it too far on his good days? Do I force him to get out. I just don't want our daughters memories of him to be, "I watched tv while my daddy took naps and played on the computer"

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Everyone has went to bed. I remain awake and tidying up the house since I am hosting my sister in laws baby shower in just a few short weeks. My husband is turning into a zombie. I wish so bad that I could take his pain away. It eats at me mentally, emotionally, and physically. Allie is starting to ask questions. How do you tell a 5 year old what is going on without breaking her precious heart. I have been coping with everything using retail therapy. I don't buy stuff for me or Shane, I buy everything for Allie. I have, however, been purchasing scrap booking supplies. I want to put some books together for them. Work has been a complete cluster fuck this week and any plans I had made were destroyed by real flu and brown bottle flu. Any other people I would have told to go fuck themselves by now. I have to maintain a professional demeanor and some time it can be trying. I have no idea I have left with my husband. It could be 6 months......it could be 6 years. But every time someone wants to use some lame ass pussy excuse, I want to punch them in their clam. Grow the fuck up. The world does not revolve around you. Right now it is about us and getting Shane better.

Monday, January 9, 2017

He had a rough day today it seems. Lots of excruciating pain, violent sickness. He had a great appetite though. He goes in tomorrow for genetic testing to see if he is one of the few people that carry the cancer gene. Never knew people could ally be a carrier. Thankfully it is not like an STD, but unfortunately it is a gene that can be passed down to any offspring he may produce. If he tests positive as a carrier, we will have to get our baby girl tested to make sure she did not inherit that gene from her daddy. Scary and worrying. Wednesday is the first round of treatments. We don't know what to expect. Of course we hope for the best, and this immunotherapy does what it is supposed to do.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Where do I even start. We are on the beginning of our journey. Diagnosed in December. We are scheduled first round of treatment on Wednesday the 11th of January. It has been a roller coaster of emotions on both parts. He has been doing well, so far. He will not let me see his fears and anxieties. We have an outpour of support. We have his family, both blood and brotherhood. I have my loving family, adoption for many years ago. The future is unknown. The fear is real. We have A beautiful baby girl who has a big, tender heart. We try to keep her in the unknown, but if for some reason things go crazy, we will be forced to open her eyes to the ugly reality of life and its uncertainty.